In this extract from her book The Breakup 2.0 , media studies prof Ilana Gershon explain the rituals around detachment on societal networks . To defriend or not defriend ? What about creating a warning ringtone for your ex ?
After a break - up , people will remove all traces of their X from their Facebook visibility , deleting exposure and wallposts . They will defriend the ex on their Facebook or Myspace , take away them from their IM list of contacts and delete their ex ’s telephone number from their cell phones . All of these legal action are , of course of instruction , loaded . To defriend an ex is often interpreted as a deleterious rebuff , an indication that the person wants to rationalise off all contact entirely . Anne tell me how offend she was when her current boyfriend defriended her after they had reveal up ( and before they got back together ) .
Ilana : Have you been defriended ?
Anne : Yes , my current boyfriend defriended me .
Ilana : Oh !
Anne :
Yeah ! To fill you in , I have to make you a tree chart , this is ridiculous . Chronologically , there is my freshman twelvemonth boyfriend . Then I dated the son from New York . And Kyle , my current boyfriend , that has always been all over the place . So I was with the son from New York . . . and so I contribute Facebook pictures . And Kyle , I guess , still had feelings or whatever , and deleted me .
Ilana : And how did you recognize that he deleted you ?
Because my roommate and I were both acquaintance with him , and I was on her profile for something , and I saw him in the corner of people she is booster with , but it was n’t “ friends in common . ” And I thought : “ What the hell on earth , that ’s unearthly . ” So I clicked on it , and I could n’t see his profile . And I was like : “ Are you serious ? Did you delete me ? You deleted me on Facebook ? ! ? ” I had n’t talked to him in six months , perchance nine month .
And so I institutionalize him a message on Facebook , and an invite saying “ did you seriously cancel me ? Like what the Inferno ? ”
I called him and I was like “ Dude , did you delete me on Facebook ? ” And he just started laugh .
And I was like “ no , seriously , did you cancel me on Facebook ? ”
And he ’s like “ no , it must be something haywire , I do n’t know what happened . Sometimes it does that . ”
“ Well , then add together me . That ’s stupid , you should bestow me . I sent you a request . ” And then he texted me after we got off the phone and he said : “ Okay , you catch me . I deleted you . ”
And I was like : “ What the hell ? Why ? ! ? Why would you do that ? I have n’t done anything to you . I have n’t utter to you or hurt you . What ’s your trouble ? ”
He ’s like : “ I could n’t see your profile anymore . I just could n’t do it . ”
In Anne ’s model , it was clear that defriending from her perspective was meant to severe all railroad tie , and was only excuse if she had done something cruel . As she explained : “ That ’s a enceinte dance step , you know it ’s like saying I do n’t care about you , I do n’t want updates on your spirit , I do n’t require to see you any longer , like , you do n’t do that , that ’s like cutting somebody out of your life completely . ” This was Anne ’s media ideology about what defriending an x indicate . As I have discuss earlier , not everyone who defriends on Facebook is also seek to send the additional information that they no longer want to be in any striking with the mortal they have defriended .
Defriending after a break up is a very different move for people than removing someone ’s cell telephone set number from their phone . the great unwashed typically let the cat out of the bag about defriending as a style to express their hurt and anger . Defriending revolve around forestall someone from experience access to your information and having contact with you . By dividing line , deleting a cell earpiece turn is all about preventing you from having access code to them . College student account removing someone ’s cellphone telephone set number as a way to keep themselves from call or texting the somebody .
Ilana : So have you taken anyone ’s number out of your phone ?
shake :
Yes , but I have a bunch of saved text messages . They will be there . So if I am really really despairing to call them or text them , I have a go at it that I can go look at my saved text messages and they are aright there . Or sometimes I — in reality , this is so weird , I do n’t edit them , I just shift the name really quickly . And then I wo n’t know what name it is , so I ca n’t look for it . Unless I really really require to take the time to look for it , but there are a lot of numbers so I do n’t . And then I do n’t have sex where the bit is , so I ca n’t text them because it is in there , I just do n’t have intercourse where . It works for the most part until I get really dire , and then I appear for it . . . .
In Trill ’s case , deleting telephone numbers is not enough , she know a bit too well that she has access through the traces on messages she tends to keep . So she has to change the information that come with the messages as a deterrent , changing someone ’s name in her cellphone . This is not always enough ; when she really wants to know a bit , sometimes she will ask her friends who happen to have the phone number saved on their telephone .
While erase the cell phone number is about controlling one ’s own impulses to adjoin one ’s ex , keeping the cell phone , or changing ringtones can be using the cubicle phone ’s electric potential to alert the great unwashed to precisely who is name . Maria told me that she would never bump off someone ’s cell phone act .
Ilana : Have you ever deleted someone ’s phone telephone number ?
Maria :
No , and I will tell you why : so you know if they call back , you wo n’t pick it up . Although at the same time , I do n’t pick it up if I do n’t recognize the turn . Even so , if a person who I do n’t want to babble out to telephone call , I can see “ oh , it is that someone ” and I am definitely not going to pick it up .
Maria here immediately mean about deleting a cubicle phone numeral in term of test other mass , not in term of managing her own urge to call . At other moments in the consultation , she talked about how she consciously moderate her own impulses to adjoin people when it would be inexpedient , and did not want to utilise her engineering as this type of aid .
Other the great unwashed use their cellphones ’ signal , and in exceptional their ringtones , as a monitor that they were n’t all that concerned in talking to someone , or that they are convince the soul is untrusty . Audrey excuse the way she and her roommates apply ringtones to suggest how they finger about those they escort .
Audrey :
Your boyfriend or girl has their own ringtone . . . . You unremarkably delete their turn if you broke up . And then their ringtone is gone . Brad ’s was some song , and then I deleted it . Luckily I did n’t give him a good song . I gave him a song that was popular at the time , but it is n’t popular any longer . So it was n’t like a classic that I would hate to have to give up . You know , at least it was n’t something really good or something like James Taylor or something like a really wild-eyed strain . It was like some stupid top top of the chart minuscule love ditty that they had on . . . . I was n’t about to give him a rattling romantic mushy birdcall . . . . you’re able to tell by the ringtone who it is , so you are like [ as though from a roomy ] “ Brad is calling . ” [ mimes answer the earpiece ] “ Brad , she ’s coming . ” . . . And then my other roommate ’s ringtone is “ Shot Through the essence , You Give Love a Bad Name , ” that ’s her exes ’ ringtone . So when her exes call , “ Shot Through the ticker , You Give Love a Bad Name ” will go off and everyone do it what ’s next . And we ’re like “ Ian , Scott , or Patrick , which is it ? ” And she ’s like , “ oh , its Scott . ” It ’s funny , she and Scott have dated off and on , but he had the ex ’s ringtone because he kind of screwed up in the past .
Ringtones are specially skilful model of how second - ordering data functions , because masses can use ringtones to designate a particular someone , or a especial category of people without individualizing ( all class members could be given the same ringtone ) . Debra evidence me that for for a while she had trouble because she had n’t realise that she could be using ringtones as monition . She assigned her boyfriend a ringtone , and then after they expose up , she assigned her next fellow the same ringtone . At first , when the phone began to reverberate , she could n’t severalise whether it was her ex or her new fellow . When I necessitate her why she had done this , she shrug .
She state that she suppose of that ringtone as the ringtone designated for a boyfriend , and had n’t realized how complicated it could be to keep using the same ringtone for multiple the great unwashed ( especially an ex and a current young man ) . The ringtone was supposed to indicate to Debra who was call , but because she used it to signal a function ( person who is or had been a beau ) rather of a person ( Tom or Bill ) , for awhile she stopped being able to use ringtones to encipher what turned out to be necessary second - order data .
you’re able to bribe a transcript of The Breakup 2.0at Cornell University Press .
Photo by Pavzyuk Svitlana , via Shutterstock .
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